Category: You

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Love Letters You

Go, you are now free

go youre now free

To you,

Hello. It has been a very long time since I last saw you.

Do you still remember the last time we talked? That Tokyo-Tokyo lunch when I’ve barely eaten my food? Funny because if I haven’t held up every self-control in me at that moment, I guess I have already held your face while I memorize your nose, your pale eyes, your lips, your messy hair, because I know it might be the last.. And then, we prayed. I prayed. I prayed that even in my most vulnerable, painful moment with you, I still wished you well. Even when what I really wanna do is just hug you and tell you not to leave. Oh, I never want you to leave. You know I always have this habit of not giving up on people, especially you. Even if it hurts. Even if that means ruining my own comfort.

But still, you chose to leave. You chose to be with her. And even though I pretended to be so strong and didn’t look back, I closed my eyes and hoped you would turn your back, run to me, hold my hands and talk things over again. But you did not. Ever since.

Having too much love, I realized that while I was reminding you, reaching you, holding you, grasping you, I find myself bleeding.

And I couldn’t stop it.

You went away because I was just too much, you drowned. Love is just too much and you are not ready for it. Maybe you weren’t ready for it even at the very beginning. But still, I have embraced you. Because when I decided to love you, it didn’t mean only your accomplishments, your good, positive sides, your smiles, your laughter, the strong man in you, but I decided to embrace you fully. Even your scars, your battles, your monsters, and your deepest pains and broken self. And how I wished I can take those broken pieces with me to make it whole again. But I can’t. No one will ever make you whole.

I always, always, believed in you. I believed that you have this ability to inspire people, to nurture people with your love and kindness. That despite everything that you are dealing with, I always see your potential, that lion in you that you just have to set free. I will always remember you as the fighter who never gives up.

How’s your family back there? If there’s one thing you have given me that I am truly thankful of, it is your family. I love your Mama, your siblings, in-law, and our Caster.. Thank you for introducing me to your cousins and Titas. If I would go back to us and look back, it is with smiles because of them. Thank you.

I miss you.

I miss how you baby-talk me whenever I make fun of you. I miss how your embrace made me feel like you never want to let me go. And every time you fetch me in the office and we would just eat out and talk even the silliest of things and just walk hand-in-hand with smiles on our faces.

I still smile each time I remember my head on your chest. How strange that feels. How deep, how wide, how at peace I am with you. Yes, I still remember you. Every ounce of you. I still remember how I prayed one night that I would just love you no matter what your scars are, and why and where it came from.

Do you still remember when you said my embrace feels like home? I would always want to go back to that moment. It just feel real. So real that I wanna hear it again.

Hey you, I will really miss you.

I will miss the sound of your snore. Our coffee dates outside our house. The way you wipe my sweaty hands, whenever it gets too wet, on your pants.. That gentle touch on my left hand because of a small bump in it. Your heavy head on my shoulders because your just so tired from work. How you caress my hands while you are looking at me, saying you love me.. Our late night talks. The movies you’re asking me to watch with you. How your super hugs suffocate me. Our laughter. Pampanga. Your sweet kisses and hugs. Those days when you still want to choose us over and over again.

I will miss you.

Realizing what went through, I never felt angry with you leaving me. I was actually sad. Sad that the years of building a future with you are now gone in an instant. Sad that everything I believed in before just vanished into thin sheet of air. What happened to us?Did you see this coming?

It’s been months since the last time we saw each other. And honestly, I thought I have already forgotten about you. I thought I can quickly forget about you. But, how can I? If you have placed so much crazy emotions in my heart? Highest of highs, lowest of lows.

I am sorry.

I’m sorry for all the times I let you down; for pushing us, for pushing you so hard to love us when I know it will never work that way and leaving is what ypu always wanted.

Sorry if what I have will never be enough. But I hope you know that I have tried so hard. I always want to try harder for us — which I realized that that made me turn to someone I don’t know.

I know you also tried your best to catch your monsters. But I just hoped we fought together.

I honestly don’t want to think that you don’t love me anymore and that you aren’t thinking about me now. But I guess that’s just what’s happening. Even if after all the reminders, the questions, the what has happened moments of us, I know I should now be in closing terms with my heart. That you have forgotten about us already and that you are seeing someone new.

I guess I will only learn to live not beside you. But I will always remember you. The guy who made me believe in true love, who made me the most loyal girlfriend of all haha, and who made me experience to selflessly understand and care, even if it hurts.

Even if I have to do this every single day, I would choose to forgive you. I always want to forgive you for all the pains, the broken promises, the inconsistencies of your words and actions, I will always choose to forgive you. Not to say that the hurts didn’t matter, because it mattered. It is because I don’t want to be your captive here any longer.

Not also because I want to, but because Someone so high has forgiven me on the cross for all my sins.

Thank you for all the love you gave, for all the memories we made. Thank you.

I am now setting you free. I am now setting us free. Just what you did. Even if it’s hard. Even if I can’t. Because I know that this is what you are yearning for all our years. And I will always want you to be happy.

I will always rejoice with you in secret. You will always have that space in my heart.

Don’t worry about me, I will be fine.

Go, you are now free.

All the best,
Me

Here’s what happened that night: If I Were to be Honest Tonight

 

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Know Her Love Letters Men Women You

Change the Way You See Beauty

Have you ever heard about beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Me, yes. Countless times already and being the pessimist in me, I would usually ponder on to that fact a couple of times.

How can I suppose to do that?

And then, something happened a couple of years ago which helped me understand the true meaning of beauty.

As cliche as this may seem, beauty is actually everywhere. Try to look at the beauty of the children playing, the birds chirping, the old ones walking hand-in-hand, the majestic beauty of the mountains, the glory of the sun, and even the beauty of sadness and sickness.

Yes, even the beauty of heart-breaking situations.

 

It was a cold and gloomy Thursday morning when my Mother seated on her bed upon waking up, her head bows, and her fists are clenching. Being the wonder woman that she is, I find it very unusual since right after she wakes up, she would immediately go to our kitchen, make coffee, and sing songs.

Clearly, something is so wrong, I said to myself. I was about to ask her what’s wrong when she said to take her to the hospital.

And then I just told myself, “Okay Pia, the thing that you’re scared of, is now happening. Be strong.”

I immediately asked for the help of her Boss and off we went to the hospital. As we were heading to the hospital, I saw her tired eyes closed, her skin is so dry, and her body is very weak. But what I don’t understand is I am at peace.

I am happy that I can control my emotions and felt so strong and alive.

 

SEE THE BEAUTY IN EVERY SITUATION YOU’RE IN

I am happy to see the beauty of our situation. Happy, not because of my Mom’s sickness, but happy because I finally understood the meaning of beauty. That everything is just an issue of the heart.

I know that this is harder than it sounds. Actually, it is hard. Juggling work and being in the hospital before and after work and even sacrificing work is not easy. But I just realized that I feel so alive, and happy and responsible.

I started seeing the beauty with everything I do for Mother, for myself, and for the people around me. Even walking a long road because we are saving for her medications and operation makes me smile too! You may be thinking I’m going crazy, but that is what I feel.

Life can be full of hatred, envy, sickness, poverty, war, and chaos here in this world, but I believe that if we can actively see beauty in each and every little thing that we do, we can help build a better world to live in.

I know that I haven’t perfected and will never be perfect in seeing beauty in everything, but at least I know that I am trying real hard to find beauty in everything that comes my way.

As Philippians 4:6-7 says:

6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

 

HOW TO CHANGE THE WAY YOU SEE BEAUTY

I have been a sucker for this for a very long period of time. Just like you, I always have that eagerness to just find beauty in everything; to appreciate even the ugliest situation I’m at, or even control my emotions over people who’s been doing me wrong and still see the good in them.

1. See things differently, beautifully

I know we all have that I’m-so-bored moment in our lives where we think that we are just in an autopilot stage, and nothing gets better in everything we do, and everywhere we are, even though we feel like we are striving to be out of that era.

However, what I realized is that we actually don’t have boring days and nights. Yes! If only we appreciate the book you’re reading or the coffee that you’re drinking, or the person you are with now (that you feel boring too!), you will never get bored and will simply appreciate things differently – full of love and beauty.

 

We are surrounded with beauty, with everyday miracles, and finally, with never ending hope. We just don’t recognize them because of powerful mixed with emotional thoughts that we forget to appreciate this grace upon grace miracles in life.

2. Practice to appreciate small things

Due to the high technological advancement in our generation, we sometimes forget to appreciate the small things in life.
We forget how God gives us grace every day to wake up alive, we forget to appreciate the food on the table, the house we have, the friends who take time to ask how you are, your household help who prepares breakfast every morning.
And the list goes on and on and on. Let’s try to appreciate small things.

 

3. Never forget to smile

I feel like I have been keen to frowning lately, even if I am not upset. And I just realized that it indeed has a negative vibe not just to myself, but to people around me as well.
So, always, always smile. If you saw your not-so-close officemate down the road, smile. If you appreciate something, smile. There is always, always something to be thankful for.

4. Live intimately with life

Yes, you read that right.
When was the last time you actually try to appreciate the ground that you are stepping in? When was the last time you breath deeply and feel the air in your lungs? When was the last time you smelled the aroma of your coffee or tea?

Live intimately with life and who knows, you might discover or rediscover something in yourself.

 

5. Disconnect to the online community

I personally want to do this every week. Once in a week, why not try to disconnect yourself from all social networking sites? Sometimes, people tend to fetch hard emotions over the internet. Some rants, problems, and even online envy can lead to feeling down even if you’re not.

Disconnect yourself from the online community and see the real beauty outside the world.

Travel with friends, cook dinner with your family, connect to the real community — the outside world and you’d be amazed how this can change your mindset about beauty.

6. Evaluate and change your perspective in life

Sometimes, our perspectives hinder us to see the beauty of life. If not evaluated well as soon as possible, these sometimes make us a pessimistic person.
Here, we have to focus on the lesson, not the problem or the issue.
I remember searching (and saving!) for an expensive camera for my travels and for giving my photos a professional look. However, because we need to save for our house in Cavite, this dream of mine suddenly became a burden. I know I could never buy this camera anytime soon which indeed affects me. I know God knew how I love to have this camera. But what I realized is that I need not a very expensive professional camera. I just need a great smartphone for my everyday use! It is when I found Huawei P9.
What I love the most is its camera is co-engineered with Leica making it as the ultimate camera-phone! It has dual lenses that produce high quality photos and allow users to take amazing monochrome, slo-mo, colored, light painting photos among others.
What I learned here is that I can always share my thoughts, my travels, even without this expensive cameras and whatnot.

7. Know the real meaning of beauty in Jesus Christ

Oftentimes, we forget that we are made for a purpose. We just go with the flow. Wait for that perfect moment, perfect peace but only to end up being frustrated and disappointed. We forget that there is Someone out there who loves us so much, who never stops in pursuing us. I mentioned earlier that I was at peace during those trying times.

What I realized now was clearly, Someone was embracing every peace of my struggling heart during those times. He is holding me together, keeping me sane and strong and that is Jesus Christ. If you are reading this, know that perfect beauty is only found in Him and in Him alone.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Everything is easily said than done. It’s true. Eat together with your family, go out on a Saturday with friends, take a coffee break in an artsy fartsy coffee shop, read your favorite book, and take pictures of these moments. All of these might sound enticing and inspiring, but then again, the bottom line is we should all slow down and just enjoy life to the fullest. But this time, with God.
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36
Beauty is never just about the physical appearance.
It is about your heart, your thoughts, and your perspective in life.
I am just so happy to say that, I may not be perfect in seeing beauty in everything and in everyone, but what I know is that this serves as a reminder to me and to everyone who’s reading this to appreciate yourself, see things beautifully, be passionate about something, change your perspective and always be thankful to God everyday, no matter what situation you are in.

As Wayne Dyer says, “change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.” Beauty is everywhere all around us, we just have to open our eyes to see.

**Written last August 2016. Updated July 8, 2017**
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Know Her Love Letters You

Open Letter: To the Father Who Left her Only Daughter

Hi…. (Hmm. Sorry. I don’t really know how to call you.)

How are you? Where are you now? I hope you’re doing fine.

I know that our family has a really tragic story. Story of endless, unanswered questions.. And of abandonment.

Don’t get me wrong. I have forgiven you already.

I just want to write a letter for you because there are some things I learned today that surprisingly are connected to you.

And it has been years since I last talked to you.

Shall we start? 

You know, I have been reading a book. The title is Captivating – Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul. I love it so much. It’s like, it was really making me go back and check my past. So, there.

Growing up, I had a lot of issues. Issues that I really don’t mind. I thought it’s just part of life anyway. However, I just clearly digested this year that the reason of who I am today is because of my past and of course, my choices. Maybe I just realized it just now because there are memories and past that I would never want to go back to.

And that includes you. It was quite a surprise to me that you are involved in who I am today because you weren’t even there while I was growing up.

Hey, please stay. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am not here to condemn you. I am here to just tell you that God is just so gracious for He wants me know the messages of my past that will make me unlearn some bad mindsets and to just clearly focus on the messages I learned about you and my past.

We know that you abandoned me and my Mama months after you knew that she was pregnant with me.

But you made her your bride, right? Your beautiful bride. You promised for better or for worse..

May I ask what happened?

You never even told us.. Not even one of us.

You were like the coin in the magician’s hand.. Quickly disappeared into thin air without us not knowing where to look for you.

You abandoned not just my Mama, but me as well.. Your one and only daughter.

Growing up, I always wanna be seen.

As a little girl,I wanna know that I am delighted at, I wanna know I am loved, cherished, and that I am captivating.

Funny because what I am usually doing when I was a little kid is I look for a table or a high chair, sit or stand right there while singing or dancing. The joy in my audience’s eyes are my joy. I am loved. I am delighted at. I had a role that makes them laugh and smile. I am part of their lives.

As much as I enjoyed the happy eyes of those watching, I was looking for a particular face, that particular eyes.. Yours.

Then it hit me that I don’t have a Father. I never had a Father.

It was a sad night, you know. I saw my grandparents, Titas, Titos, Mama. All their smiles were wide that night.. But, still I am looking for yours.

And then I thought to myself, why is he gone? Why are we not sure if he is dead or alive?

But, deep in my heart, I know you are alive. I know. I just know.

And then, that glorious day happened when we knew you were alive.. Alive with 5 children and a new wife.

I realized then that I still love you. And I have forgiven you and will forgive you whatever will happen.

But then, questions sprouted everywhere again not just from my Mama who was left behind but for me as well, as your supposed-to-be only daughter.

Why did you leave us?

Were we not enough?

Am I a burden to you?

Am I not worthy to be loved?

Were you not happy when you knew that I can go out to the world after some months?

Did you love me?

You know, as much as I had a happy childhood, I also had my fair share of bad memories. Bad memories that I honestly don’t want to remember anymore. Maybe the reason why I am so forgetful was because I just want to delete a lot of memories during those years.

I sometimes thought to myself that maybe, just maybe if you were there during those times, I was not sexually harassed with people who just thought I was pretty, was not bullied, and belittled. I maybe had the courage to fight those demons saying I am not worthy and will never be because you, my Father, even left us.

Also, I grew up with inferiority complex.

I didn’t feel strong and beautiful all throughout those delicate years.

They said I was unattractive. I believed them. So I hide. I hid my true self. And oh, I also had a hard time explaining to them where were you.

I was bullied. And I let them. And the scars are just.. Oh, so deep. Sometimes it still hurts up to now.

College was also rough. Mother doesn’t have the enough bills to pay for all my books, projects, assignments, dorm, food, everything. It was really a hard time for us. But you know, you had a very strong wife. I never see her cry. I guess you made her strong. Thank you so much.

With all that you made me feel, I just felt like everyone who are or will be interested with me will just hurt me and it will just take them some time before they’ll leave.

..which happened a lot of times already.

Let me talk about the guys I’ve met.

I met my first love when I was in high school. But then again, he left. Chose another girl. He went back. Chose to hurt me again. Went back. Chose to go out again. I was so hurt. Wasn’t able to focus on my studies because, the feeling of love is something I am craving for.

College came and then I saw another guy. He seemed to be nice. I left my first love for him because I thought I will be happier. No more tears I said. But then, hello heartaches and trust issues. I was so clingy, I wanted attention. And I guess that turned him off. So, hello ‘too much’ and ‘not enough’, which led me to look for someone else.

After years together, I saw another man, who I thought would love me for who I am. And because he knows Jesus Christ, he said, I let him enter my heart. But then, I was so wrong again. I know he loved me somehow, but I also know he just used me to free himself from his own pain as well.

Father, here is THE MESSAGE.

..the message of my past. The message of those hurts.

Never seen by a Father.

Never delighted at.

Abandoned because he just wants to.

Always felt not worthy to be chased and pursued.

Always felt that anyone who would want to enter into my life will just leave.

No one will stay.

I will always be that second choice.

Sometimes, I am actually thinking.. ‘What if I had a Father who is really emotionally present? How would I act on these complicated things?’

Honestly, I don’t want to go back to this moment where I am being reminded that you left us not because you have to, but because you want to.

But God wants me to go back to those wounds.

I know God wants me back to this certain past because He wants to Father me. God wants Him to be the Father I never had. And it was the best thing ever that my heart accepted.

God wants me to go back from my past not to harm me, or to make me feel defeated but because He wants me to realize that He was there. He never left while I was crying and felt defeated all the time. He was there when I was asking for provision and was praying for my Mama. He never left. 

And now, He wants us to start again. God, me. 

I may have never experienced your love but I am happy to let you know that I am knowing a Father who will never leave, who will always pursue me, love me, and will always be delighted in me.

And little by little, God is healing me, restoring me, and changing me to the woman that He wants me to be.

From your little girl who never thought that she will see the light again, thank you for bringing me to this world. For giving my Mama the strength she has right now and for leaving me, your only daughter who just wants love from her Papa.

Thank you.

I just want you to know before I end, that all these forgiveness is because I have known the author of my life, Jesus Christ.

I hope and pray that you will also get to know Him, the One who gave His life for me and for you, who promises an eternal life if you will just believe in Him and accept Him.

Your only daughter,

Pia

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Grow Through What You Go Through

She sprouted love like flowers,
Grew a garden in her mind,
And even on the darkest days,
From her smile the sun still shined.

🌻
🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻